Fun Quotes for the Day

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my.... I could be eating a slow learner."

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."