New & Improved Bible!
In light of recent conversations with family and friends, and in light of some conversations between me and God, it is clear that we need to update the Bible. And the Lord spake unto me and said: "Brett, change thou my timeless words and maketh them unto this new generation a morsel more tasty, that it not maketh them to sweat, and that transformation into my likeness be no longer so required!" (PS: God always talketh unto me in the King James Version.)
Now I've not completely finished the editing yet but I thought I would share at least some of the highlights of the new Bible version, to be known as the NETDV (New Easier to Digest Version).
Genesis 1:1 - "Stuff happened. Mankind created God in order to explain stuff. We should be smarter than that by now."
Psalm 23 - "Oprah is my shepherd. She tells me what I need to know. She makes me feel good. At the end of the day, that's what really matters....that I feel good."
Matthew 28:18-20 - "Then Jesus came to them and said "it doesn't really matter what you believe, as long as you believe something. And if you go to other parts of the world, make sure it is strictly for business or pleasure. I mean, c'mon, you don't really want to share me with them and risk offending them, do you? Sheesh.""
Luke 9:23 - "If you want to go to heaven, just be nice. I think that pretty much the only people who go to hell are the really, really bad ones. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just make sure you are comfortable in this life, and again, try to do no harm. Surely being a Christian can't be all that hard."
John 14:1-6 - "Then Jesus said to them "hey, I'm outta here. Check ya later." Thomas said "where are you going?" Jesus said "you know...I'm just kinda there...I'm the karma within. Choose your path, they're pretty much all the same. Again, the important thing is to follow your heart, believe something, and please, don't be so darn headstrong and stubborn about things that really don't matter. You believe what you believe and I believe what I believe and that's good enough."
Romans 3:23 - "Everyone messes up...don't worry about it. Just try your best to not hurt anyone else."
Revelation 3:20 - "You feel that? That's your conscience. You pretty much know right from wrong. As long as you keep to yourself and you don't offend anyone else, it's OK."
This is just a tasty morsel. I've also decided to edit this online using this blog as the tool. If you'd like to suggest a translation, feel free!
18 comments:
How about "Do unto others before they do unto you."?
Or "Pullest thou up by thine own bootstraps."
"I am A way to truth and life. Some may come to the Father by Me, others by someone else. As long as you're on a path somewhere, that's ok by Me." - John 1:7
"And on the 8th day, God created Brett. And all hell broke loose."
You are scaring me dude!
or is it scarring me?
Scare-ing
Barb. That's the point. This watering down to a feel-good humanism is very scary, and quite honestly, scarry.
Jeff...very good! Not so much on the second one...
Romans 12:1-2 - Therefore, I might suggest that you try to love God in the way you come to know him or her. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of radical transformation. You're doing OK..don't be too hard on yourself. And certainly please don't be too hard on others. God's will is certainly that nobody would be offended.
You're not really buying into the whole notion of "holy conferencing", are you?
You know Keith, I would buy into it if I thought that it was holy. I do not believe it is any longer. That phrase has been hijacked and used to disguise tacitly unholy practices.
Nice!
How about when the church in Galatia got led astray and abandoned the Gospel, Paul said to them, "You stupid Galatians, who has bewitched you?"
Your modern version would probably be: "You Methodists are so freaking awesome, no matter what you believe!"
Jeff..you're getting the hang of it!
Thank, man.
I just thought of another one:
The new Psalm 119:105 - "Thy Word...well actually, I'm not sure if it's Thy Word, or merely human reflections on Thou, or merely a racist, sexist account of patriarchal, homophobic domination in the Middle East...but anyway, it's one of many lamps (metaphorically speaking) that I use in my personal spiritual quest towards self-fulfillment and self-acceptance."
That's it!!! You've achieved enlightenment!!!
"Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet." Ouch, I think I just stubbed my toe because I can't see in the dark!
I think I am being offended
Offended, oh dear anonymous poster? Fear not! The new and improved Matthew 5:29-30!!
"If something, someone, or some part of Scripture causes you discomfort, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose something that probably isn't that big of deal anyway than that you should be offended."
an oprah luver r we?
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